Life Changes

Grief  is the
HARDEST thing in life to me. I have to learn to live without my loving  wife of 30+ years. It is not easy, as many have told me that have faced what I am dealing with now.
It has only been three months but it still feels like it was three heartbeats ago. She was having trouble with renal disease, high blood pressure, being diabetic and also the lost of two sons. Our eldest passed away 3 years ago and our youngest over 27 years ago. I did what I felt was right at the time, but as always thinking back, there was things I could have done better. I do know that she loved me and I loved her. She was my a very strong part of me. Losing your spouse is like being ripped in pieces, not in half, in small chunks. God was right when he said that two become one. Each day is a new challenge of being alone and not able to share in the husband-wife talks during the day. Those arguments that lead to you making up before you fell asleep at night together.
It is hard to get out of my head what I could have done or said to keep her going. But it was and is out of my hands.
    When she cried  or leaned on me that she was tried of the diaylsis and heart-sick for our sons. God told me that I needed to prepare myself for what was coming.
   There is no way to do it. When it happens only God can change it. I wanted my Melba to be well and to come home. God did also. Not my home, God's many mansions was ready for her to choose from.
    So, each day I am learning to accept what I could do and did right. I ask forgiveness for what I did wrong or failed to do. I know that God's love is forgiving much more easier than man's. I know my Melba is also for she forgave me for so many of my faults and fears. 
        One day soon, but not to soon we will know each other again.
    Live as much as I can. Enjoy as much as I can. Celebrate life as much as I can. Love God and my family as much as I can. Only God can give me the strength in my moments(there are many) to deal with with each day to come.